Needless to say, the answers from each of the women sparked all kinds of thoughts and discussion. The common thread? How we implemented that advice in our lives and in most cases, our parenting Gen Y.

Pieces of advice:

Lose the battle and win the war. (Given by my father right before I got married.) It's turned out to be very good advice in just about every aspect of life.

When you accept an invitation, any invitation, be prepared to give as much or more than you receive at the "event." (Given by a friend of her parents, when she was a teenager and hurumphing about "having to go to a family friend's house for a holiday party.") Two things: was "heard" because it was given by a NON-parent, but someone she respected and she can't think of any place she's attended as a guest when she hasn't thought of that advice prior to arrival.

Since the probability of you meeting someone to marry at college is high, we will only allow you to apply within the Northeast. (Unspoken: the parents (advice givers) lived in CT.) How she followed the advice? Did the exact opposite with each of their four children! "The world is your oyster, apply wherever you want and we support you!" As a result her children are married and live in OR, CA, CO and ME! 

 When you move to a new place, in the first year, accept every invitation. Tough to do, because you have to be "on" all the time, but if you do, you will reap the rewards in the years following. You never know who you might meet regardless of what you may think of the host/hostess. Could be friends for a lifetime!

~Beppie

Since this is such a pain in the rear end, I found that both my Gen Yers resorted to bitching by text. I think only to Mom, but maybe not?! I suggested that their dissatisfaction with "only two people working at a line up of windows with 50 people in the waiting room, each holding a number and no numbers being called, and the clock is ticking 45 minutes AND counting... waiting, lunch hour is just about up. I've GOT to leave. I CAN'T believe this!" If a tweet out #SSA from a disgruntled taxpayer happened, do you suppose there'd be a response? Do they even have a twitter account (@SSA)? hmmmmm.... I wonder?

Just checked, doesn't look like it, but whoa! A LOT of disgruntled folks (#social security administration) waiting in lines. There must be a more efficient way!?

In tonight's news, a disgruntled Gen Yer, Molly Katchpole started a petition against the fees that the B of A was imposing on debit cards, and guess what? Social media seems to have made an impact! 150,000+ signatures, ABC News' attention.

~Beppie

 I began thinking about this when a friend mentioned that she misses land lines as a way to connect with her grown children's spouses. With cell phones when she calls her daughter her son in law never answers and so she losses the opportunity to have a casual conversation with him. She could of course just call him but one feels there needs to be reason to make that call. 

Gone also is having one's school age children receive calls at home from their friends. I enjoyed speaking briefly with my kids' friends and it was another way to keep track of who was in their lives. Also gone is the need for courage on the kid's part to make that call and risk reaching a parent and not their friend. 

Cell phones are a reality so I think I need to find new ways to interact with my kids' significant others. I'd love to hear how others find a way to say, "Hi, how are you?"

~Jean 

Learnings?

Lots.

Advice worth sharing:

First and foremost, this is THEIR wedding not yours.

Download these templates from Google Docs: Wedding planner

These proved to be invaluable. If nothing more, they give you things to think about and then address. You can make them your own very simply and they can be shared with whomever you want and you can see any additions or subtractions, any changes. The budget template and the guest list template are "must-dos"! Best of all, it's all saved on Google's cloud, so they can be accessed from anywhere securely!

The best wedding book (in our opinion) to use is: The Wedding Book, by Mindy Weiss and Lisbeth Levine and the go-to wedding etiquette book is : Wedding Etiquette by Emily Post. Purchase a copy for both you and your bride. We found it was a great dissipator if questions arose or there was tension about something. There's always something to be said for a "neutral corner."

Have a frank discussion early on about the budget. As a friend, Jessie shared when our daughter got engaged, "when you know the total you can spend on the wedding, place it on the Excel spreadsheet budget template and as you add items (ie., gown, band, photographer, venue, flowers, transportation, etc.) with the possible cost, you watch that total "automatically" dwindle. Suddenly, prioritizing takes on a whole new meaning." "Picture a pie, slice it up with various size slices, each accounting for the whole." Good advice. For my daughter and her husband, the priority was the music and the Tony Boffa band. The next priority was the photographer, emilie. The other important piece was a "day of coordinator." My daughter said to me, "Mom, I want you to enjoy the weekend, so please hire someone to help you during that time."  So glad she did. Heather Quinn Cuzzi was fabulous! After that things fell into place. The other aspect to this discussion about money is who pays for what? If you think this is a slam dunk, au contraire. I've spoken to so many friends who have had children get married over the last several years and there's no one way to pay for the celebration. The biggest take-away I can offer is to have the bride and groom PRIORITIZE. When the research is being done and prices are being gathered, that "oh so important videographer, may not be so important. Not at that price tag." 

Blogs about both our couples: emilie inc. photography and Brian Wedge photography.

It's true, the time flies by! Enjoy and most of all, HAVE FUN! 

~Beppie

We've also had a graduation from college...I know my last post was on milestones, I know, I know I seem to be fixated. We also had a burglary! Awful!

So here's the post, protect yourself. I've learned more about this than I wish I knew. Thank God no one was hurt and in the end all is OK, but nevertheless, you feel so violated. Yuck! Here are my take aways:

Take your digital camera or iPhone and walk around your home videoing or taking pictures of everything! That means opening drawers and closets, flipping over your laptop to get a picture of your serial number...this doesn't take much time or effort to do! And then, this is the clincher, email yourself a copy or upload to a remote site like shutterfly!!! (Or put it all on CD or take the memory card out of your camera and store in a safe deposit box.) You'll have it saved remotely! This works in the event of fire too. Take photos of your passports. Homeland security says that gone are the days of Xerox copies of passports, digital is the way to go. Again, email it to yourself!

If you don't back up your computer remotely, I can't encourage you enough! Never think it's going to happen to you? Well, it's lousy when your computer crashes, but it's REALLY lousy when someone steals your computer! Password protect your computer! You think it's a hassle or a nuisance? Get over it! If it's backed up, you've got all of those much loved photos and music from days gone by!

Be sure your home is secure. Pretty common sense, but again, don't get lax. 

Report your theft to the police! I can't emphasize this enough either. They were terrific and incredibly helpful! Call your insurance company and report it, call Equifax and protect your identity! Equifax notifies the other credit agencies. Cancel all credit cards, change passwords.

Now pick up your digital camera or iPhone and start taking pictures!

~Beppie

Having children. We had a pediatirician, well educated, Harvard everything, no kids. Our first two kids were 15 months apart. When she felt it was "time" that our eldest "slept through the night" she instructed me to "let her cry." Ok, cry for a few minutes is one thing, but when they really get going, the whole house, including the other baby are UP! No one is sleeping! I stood in the shower with music blaring at three in the morning one time, trying to drown out those cries, hoping that when I came out, miraculously she'd be asleep, and so would everyone else. NO SUCH LUCK. So much for that idea. I said to our pediatrician. "It might say in your books that allowing a 16 month old to cry is the right thing to do, but....I can't WAIT until you have children." (Let me know how that goes.) Years later I saw her and she said, "Mrs. Cerf, there were many times when I thought of you, in the middle of the night and the things you said about letting a child cry, WAIL. I've got kids a year apart. What was I thinking!"

Empty nest. I watched my friends go through this, everyone handling it in their own ways. Some maybe better than others. Until you're actually living it, you don't "get it."

Death of your Mom. This one I really thought I could empathize, sympathize with. I'd written many sympathy cards, rubbed so many backs listening. But until I actually experienced it...someone actually said to me recently, "Oh my gosh, it's been over three years, you're not over it?" Really? (Her Mom is still alive.) And having your daughter getting married, don't get me started on missing Mom! Geeze! Tears, when you least expect them! I did not get that memo! 

Planning a wedding. I've now watched both the Spencer Tracy (1950's version) and the Steve Martin (1990's) version of "Father of the Bride," for the third, OK maybe fourth time. Until now I hadn't been in the wedding planning stages. Can I just tell you, I now view it as a whole other movie! New eyes, new appreciation. George Banks' line asking his son's young friend if he eats, referencing the price per head, hilarious now! (Or the relatives from Scandanavia attending.) The other interesting aspect of being involved in wedding planning, is good old fashioned etiquette. As my soon-to-be-son-in-law said this weekend, "I am going to RSVP to weddings with a whole new understanding." aka:

1) I'm going to RSVP in a timely manner.

2) I'm going to actually READ the addressed envelope to see who is actually invited, if there is only my name, it's just me who's invited. If there's my name plus my fiance's name, then the two of us are invited. If there's my name and "guest" then I can invite a guest to join me. And then I will respond with the number of accepts and the number of regrets, accordingly. Read the envelope! What a novel idea! Amazing the number of people (of all generations I might add), that either don't know this bit of etiquette or choose to believe it couldn't possibly apply to them! The hosts must not have realized they ommitted a "plus one" or the kids or the roommate or....???  Really? Really! Amazing. And what's more amazing is the texts, Gchats or phone calls to either the bride or groom asking if they can bring "X". I know people look at these events as a perfect opportunity to introduce whomever to others, but this is neither the time nor the place. And though we've not had our wedding yet, I understand from other parents of the bride that we'll be amazed to note those that attend the wedding that didn't rsvp. Yikes! I'm hoping that everyone reading this: Reads their envelopes AND RSVP's! (To whatever event you're invited to).

This milestone list goes on:

ie., "Grandchildren"...    :)

But until I actually experience them, I really can't comment with true understanding!  :)      

This much I know!

~Beppie

I had a son caught in the United craziness last week. He was in line at the airport, United wasn't telling them anything, he went on twitter, found out that others around the country were having trouble, but no real explanation. He called me. I too went on twitter, did a search, bingo. Computers down. Called Expedia they'd heard something about it, advised to have our son leave the airport, go enjoy himself and call United first thing the next morning. (He was lucky that he had somewhere to go and people to be with.) I got up at the crack of dawn to call United, listened to muzak for an hour, finally connected with a human being and our son was headed home by noon that same day with no fee. Lucky.

Several friends have been sharing travel tales of their kid's. Another, India! Another, Italy....Chicago...LA...DC...NY...the list goes on and on. The common thread, somehow or other we each got hoisted into the position of "personal travel agent!"  LOL.  

Another personal tale, another kid was in NY on business. Due to all of the bad weather, tornadoes, etc. it was hours before the flight was actually cancelled. All the passengers were hanging at the airport, just being led along with hopes that they'd take off. When it was becoming clear that no flights were taking off at all, I got the call, "Mom, can you go online and find me a hotel room? My phone is just about out of juice."

"Sure!"

And I really meant/mean it. I love being my kids' go-to. Crazy? Maybe, but I wouldn't have it any other way! Are each of them perfectly capable of coping on their own? Absolutely! But if they can call Mom and know that they'll get on a flight, or a hotel room in a safe spot, why not? I know I'm not alone on this! 

Go ahead, chime in, I know you're dying to!    

In the meantime, I've got a couple of plane reservations to make!

~Beppie

'07 or earlier:

Strong focus on getting a job right out of college, or within a couple of months of graduation (and pretty successful). Very much like their parents' generation (baby boomers).

Was this engrained in the GenYer that they HAD to get/have a job, a REAL job, with benefits? Since there were jobs, was it a "buyers" market? Was this because they didn't have healthcare once they graduated? Was it because they had loans to start paying off? 

Today:

Many recent grads have gotten summer jobs. Not REAL jobs. (Salary + benefits)

I know, I know, some of you are saying, "at least they HAVE summer jobs!"

Did they try to get full time jobs and weren't able to? Are they "putting off" the ineveitable of pounding the pavement? Does the fact that they can stay on their parents' healthcare plan until they're 26 give them (and their parents) a different sense of urgency? They have loans to pay off, how are they handling that? Has this younger set of Gen Yers witnessed their predecessors and decided, what's the rush? Why jump into a "career" job right now? Experience life differently. Same parents, are we Baby Boomers more "understanding" (because of the headlines) that there ARE no jobs? So we don't have the same expectations? We don't "pressure" them in the same ways? Say what?

We know more and more people who have kids that have moved back home over the last 4 years. Are we more empathetic? Jealous? Enabling?

My friend Kathy shared a link about a 22 year old rebuilding her career after defeat with the LA movie biz. Read it. Interesting. She felt a real sense of ugency. She was working several jobs while she tried to get the "job of her dreams" ....

I posted on another blog, "Job Prospects 2011? Challenging!" more thoughts on this topic of recent grads and jobs.

My take? All of the above. What's your take?

~Beppie

I realized this weekend that perhaps we need to talk about just how hard and unpredictable this 'stepping back, letting go' thing is. Recently while chatting with a friend I heard stories of what this friend was doing to help her college age daughter find a summer job, making calls for her, lining up meetings, etc. Too much! That's an easy call for us to make, but we shouldn't. The kid makes the calls even when you give her/him the names. But life is more complicated isn't it. How much should we encourage adult children? Cheerlead for them when they hit bumps? Listen to their complaints and concerns about work, difficult bosses, relationships? I guess it becomes more about listening than advising, but I keep struggling to find the balance. 

Just when I think I'm doing great, establishing my 'post-kids-at-home-life' I get caught off guard. A few nights ago my husband was away and I put Mamma Mia in the dvd player, a film I'd seen before, good company while I did some ironing. We have a daughter being married this summer and I was totally caught off guard by the flood of emotions, from Slipping Through My Fingers, I was a puddle. So even when we think we know how to let go, each of us will hit potholes along the way.

However I am getting better at 'letting go,' at least on wardrobe choices. Recently there's been lots of shopping with my girls. They have taught me to relax about plunging necklines because double sided tape will keep things from becoming too exciting! Who knew?!

Jean

What made it so special? A Bridal Shower traditionally includes friends, family and bridal party members, all female. Well, this was exactly that. What I didn't realize and what my girlfriend did so beautifully was "connect the dots" of all those present: How they fit into the bride's life, how they were significant or important. She first welcomed everyone, highlighting the presence of Brett's grandmother and how very lucky she was to have her and to be a part of this experience. She highlighted the other aunts present, the mother of the groom for making the trip and each long time friend of mine from college or single-in-my-San-Francisco days, or mothers from Brett's elementary school days that are all still dear friends. 

Different women stood up and shared thoughts and toasts of best wishes, expounding on the whys and the wherefores of their significance in Brett's young life. One friend shared that if it wasn't for Brett's 1yr. old birthday party, she wouldn't be married to her husband! (They were connected by a mutual friend at Brett's b'day party, a cocktail party, no bouncy castles for her!) Another friend shared that her close friendship with me had been enhanced by the fact that we were now mothers together, going through experiences and learning from each other (sometimes at our children's expense)...the words of kindness and good thoughts continued, memories of my own Mom were exponential!

I knew that the marriage of my eldest and only daughter was going to be something, but never in my wildest dreams did I think it would be a mixture of laughter and tears at the same time! (I just LOVE that emotion!) These long time friendships and family truly have helped lay the foundation of our children's lives. They simply wouldn't be the people they are today if it wasn't for the many influences of all of these very special people in our lives! We are so very blessed!

A lovely table 

The bride-to-be and two of her (west coast) bridesmaids 

~Beppie