Planning a wedding, some tips!

Our daughters are married! Both weddings were wonderful! Magical weekends!

Learnings?

Lots.

Advice worth sharing:

First and foremost, this is THEIR wedding not yours.

Download these templates from Google Docs: Wedding planner

These proved to be invaluable. If nothing more, they give you things to think about and then address. You can make them your own very simply and they can be shared with whomever you want and you can see any additions or subtractions, any changes. The budget template and the guest list template are "must-dos"! Best of all, it's all saved on Google's cloud, so they can be accessed from anywhere securely!

The best wedding book (in our opinion) to use is: The Wedding Book, by Mindy Weiss and Lisbeth Levine and the go-to wedding etiquette book is : Wedding Etiquette by Emily Post. Purchase a copy for both you and your bride. We found it was a great dissipator if questions arose or there was tension about something. There's always something to be said for a "neutral corner."

Have a frank discussion early on about the budget. As a friend, Jessie shared when our daughter got engaged, "when you know the total you can spend on the wedding, place it on the Excel spreadsheet budget template and as you add items (ie., gown, band, photographer, venue, flowers, transportation, etc.) with the possible cost, you watch that total "automatically" dwindle. Suddenly, prioritizing takes on a whole new meaning." "Picture a pie, slice it up with various size slices, each accounting for the whole." Good advice. For my daughter and her husband, the priority was the music and the Tony Boffa band. The next priority was the photographer, emilie. The other important piece was a "day of coordinator." My daughter said to me, "Mom, I want you to enjoy the weekend, so please hire someone to help you during that time."  So glad she did. Heather Quinn Cuzzi was fabulous! After that things fell into place. The other aspect to this discussion about money is who pays for what? If you think this is a slam dunk, au contraire. I've spoken to so many friends who have had children get married over the last several years and there's no one way to pay for the celebration. The biggest take-away I can offer is to have the bride and groom PRIORITIZE. When the research is being done and prices are being gathered, that "oh so important videographer, may not be so important. Not at that price tag." 

Blogs about both our couples: emilie inc. photography and Brian Wedge photography.

It's true, the time flies by! Enjoy and most of all, HAVE FUN! 

~Beppie

Meal Plans

This is not your average meal plan. Our son is living off campus (his senior year) with six other guys. They shop, they cook and they eat together 5 nights a week! 

How this works: A housemate set up an Excel spreadsheet, researching the price of staple grocery items: just how much he thought each of the guys would consume and projected a cost per guy per month. Then off to Costco they go. They have a "house credit card," two of them are in charge of that; shoppers (they take turns); cooks (two seem to be the chief cooks) and dishes (clean up). It's costing them $8-$10 a day to eat and they eat well. A protein, a carb, a vegetable, a fruit per dinner. There's been pork loin, beef, spaghetti, grilled chicken....impressive. Ten to fifteen minutes before dinner is served a mass text goes out letting the other guys know, "dinner in ten." Everyone drops whatever they're doing and gets back to the house to eat.

What's really nice about this is these guys eat together, talk, share what they've been up to, bring up any issues, discuss stuff....it's great. It's amazing that they've been able to keep this up. Have there been glitches?  Sure. For example: Some are better than others in the cleaning up department, some tend to do the shopping AND cooking, so the distribution of labor isn't exacly equitable. Now this isn't a problem, yet, but it could be. So hopefully, they'll discuss this as a group as things come up, not behind backs. Their major glitch has been company. How do you handle company? And specifically, how do you handle someone who just happens to be over at the time of dinner three times a week, and then eats three times a week and is not paying? Real "life" stuff.

How do they navigate this? Honesty. They all are sitting around the table, including the guy who's been enjoying dinner for free and it's brought up. Out in the open. If he wants to continue eating with them then he needs to pay his fair share. He needs to participate in the shopping, cooking and cleaning, otherwise, he's not welcome. These guys can't and shouldn't carry him. Now I know that this is easier said than done. Each guy comes from a different set of financial circumstances and no one wants to be the 'heavy" on this, but the guy who's enjoying "free dinners" doesn't want to develop the reputation of "freeloader," either. This needs to be brought up, nip this in the bud, before there are bad feelings, even if it's just with a couple of the guys. This is home for a year and those that live there want to feel comfortable in their own home. This is also "real life," nothing is free, it's the old "do unto others as you'd have them do unto you." Life's lessons.

It was just parents weekend and all of us parents arrived for our last one.  What was great, was Saturday night the guys put on dinner for all of us. Italian food, tables set up, chairs, wine and beer. OK, true confession, "pop cup" ensued.  It was a lot of fun!

~Beppie

Fronting the money, does that make sense?

Sometimes you have to learn from experience.

Here are some examples in the money category: Your Gen Y kid fronts the money for something and is told that they'll be paid back (by their friends). Well, not exactly:

1) Getting a storage unit for the summer. Your college student has got to move out of the dorm, move his/her stuff into a rental storage unit and it makes sense to go in on this unit with a few friends. The rental company requires payment in full for the three months, your kid takes care of it and his buddies say they'll pay him back. It takes months and months to collect after many very uncomfortable conversations, emails, etc.

2) Your kid is on a club sports team. He volunteers to help organize a BBQ after the game with the other team. He heads to Costco and makes all of the purchases, paying for the shopping spree himself. He's already communicated with his teammates that everyone needs to chip in X dollars. Collecting the money from each team member proves to be a real challenge. He's left holding the bag to the tune of a few hundred dollars!

3) Your college kid puts the money down to secure an apartment for next year's housing. He's not flush with cash, so he's counting on being reimbursed for half by his future roommate right away. They talked about this upfront. The roommate doesn't ever get around to paying him back.

Needless to say, each of these scenarios leaves a person feeling:
mad
disappointed in people
upset with oneself
irritated that they volunteered/signed up to be the "front guy"
questioning one's own judgement
feeling differently about someone that you thought was your friend
and not to mention: out the money!

In a word: Lousy.

What are some of the learnings?
And.... Where does Mom come in? What kind of advice do you give or do you?
Well, I listened, I chimed in when asked (OK, maybe even if I wasn't asked), but I think I've learned through the years and my kids that listening and then "couching" your comments in a way so that your kid feels like you're bouncing ideas around....much more effective, much much! So...
The "tough" advice and obvious: Without the money upfront from everyone, there's no BBQ, no storage unit, no.... whatever.
If that's not an option and the money's been spent, one of my kids did this:
First, asked repeatedly for the money he was owed. When that got more and more irritating and uncomfortable, then he sent out an email to everyone (bulk, so all could see) who paid + owed money and specifically highlighted those that have paid. That got a few more to pay up. And for that last couple of stubborn people that just would not pay him back, he sent an email (again copying everyone) letting everyone know that a letter was going to go home to the parents about the money owed to their son's college friend. This worked (before the letters went out). But I'll tell you, it was months and months before he was fully reimbursed and it certainly left a sour taste in his mouth.
As for the BBQ? That was a very expensive lesson. (My son didn't choose to listen to Mom, but in his defense he may not have chosen to share with his mother until after the fact and he sure didn't want to "hear it", at that point.)
And the apartment? Haggled over the first and last month deposit, the roommate had to anti up more to make up for the IOU. Mom's advice.

~Beppie

Leap of Faith

It takes a leap of faith when you get the phone call and your child says:
"Mom, I'm quitting my job...."
"Mom, I've QUIT my job...."
"Mom, I'm making a move to another company.... it's smaller, more entrepreneurial...."
"Mom, I'm starting my own business..."
"Mom, I've got an idea for a business, so I'm quitting my current job to work on it...."

I'm suggesting that, as the recipient of said calls, you have to have faith in your kid and that hopefully you've helped lay a foundation where they make good, sound decisions... that they're not chucking caution to the wind, that they've thought this through, that they've still got health insurance, COBRA, something! That they've figured out how they're going to pay their rent? Eat? AND that they've ideally NOT quit their job, until you've had a good vetting conversation....

These Gen Y kids are adults, they're making decisions on their own every day... that's what we want, right?! They're becoming more and more independent. Arguably, they are independent! At least if you ask them, they are. Again, that's the goal, right?

Here's a suggestion: IF you suspect that you may have a kid that's thinking in any of the above directions; rather than wait: don't close your eyes, cross your fingers, pray,... whatever,... that this will all go away or that they'll "come to their senses" and keep their job, especially in this economy... don't do it! Don't wait, have a conversation. Bring it up. Get them to talk about it, think out loud with you!... they just may surprise you. They actually may have thought their decision through and they just may have a plan!

This is my thinking, our thinking: they're young, no mortgage to pay, no mouths to feed (other than their own)...when else is a good time? When will they take a chance / a risk, and try something new, especially if it's their own idea?

OK, I have to admit, this took some time to get to this point, "risk-adverse-mother-that-I-am". I know to some, it sounds good, and to some of you, you're probably thinking, "has she lost her mind????" "I would never behave like this as a parent!" "Take control! Tell your kid they can't quit!" And some of you Gen Yers reading this may be thinking: "I WISH I could quit and start a business!" "I have loans to pay from school" "my parents would kill me!" "There's no way!"

First of all, good luck to you parents who try to "take control." Let me know how that goes. Second, though I'm incredibly risk adverse, especially when it comes to my family, if there's a good, well thought out plan (more than a germ of an idea) and you sense your child's conviction, I mean, what the heck? You've picked them up when they've fallen before, who says you won't pick them up again. This time the pick up may have conditions or a timeline or may come a little later... but let's be real...

The process itself of researching, budgeting, figuring out how to start your own business or going with a start up...it's all a very steep learning curve, but incredibly worthwhile! If they get "hungry" enough, either you'll hear from them (or perhaps, see them) or it will force them to move in a different direction or make a different decision or decide to put together Plan B (maybe graduate school?) or network a little more or market a little differently or switch up their selling technique... but is any of this a real negative? Really?

Have a little faith!

~Beppie

Parents' Influence!

I'm going to throw something out there. I've been "noodling."

There's been a lot written about marketing to various generations and how kids influence their parents' purchases. As a parent of Gen Yers, let me tell you, we parents influence our kids' purchases!

I'll back up. Way back before Gap Kids, 1980ish, my husband was a Boys' buyer at Macy's California. He convinced a couple of outerwear vendors to make the famous "members only" jacket in boys sizes 8-20, well, they blew out the door. Those little boys didn't like the "Little Lord Font Leroy" peter panned collared stuff." I'm exaggerating a tad, but not much. They wanted to look cool, so when Mom took'em shopping,they'd beg and plead for 'members only' and... you know the rest. Well, that kind of thinking evolved and developed into many different businesses, by many different people. Those little darlings influenced our purchases. Fast forward: Now that our kids are older and the price tags for things they want has escalated exponentially AND they don't like to part with their own $ do-re-mi $, our kids turn to us for our help and advice on things.

These kids are very knowledgeable and opinionated about electronic purchases, so they tend to take the reins there, but when it comes to buying a bed, or furniture, or housewares, or a suit, or a car... that's where Mom comes in (or Dad). Now I'm not talking about paying for these items, necessarily. I'm talking about the fact that they call us and ask us for our opinions, our suggestions, our recommendations on those big ticket items, where to go, what websites to check, and nine times out of ten they buy what's suggested.

When it came time for my son to get an "interview suit," he didn't head out on his own to make that purchase, WE went. There I was rummaging through the rounder of suits, picking out the wool gabardines, leading him away from the summer khakis, "a wool gabardine will take you through 9 months, a khaki through 3 AND you'll have this suit for years, it's a classic. This is a much better purchase, more bang for the buck," I said. When my daughter was looking for a dining table, same scenario. Both Mom and Dad went recently to the furniture store with our son when he was buying a bed... these are big purchases, they're long term purchases and our kids look to us for guidance, and oh yes, the possibility that we just may pick up the tab. But it's really that they don't want to "go this alone," not when there's serious money involved.

When your Gen Yer graduates from college; no more furnished dorm room, it's time for that apartment and making choices. There's probably a bunch of stuff they can have from the family home, as long as they provide the U-haul and the brawn, but if they don't live close by, that's not necessarily the best option. Some conversations sound like this: "does it make sense to spend X dollars on a brand new rug for the living room that I'll have for years? or Should I go to Target and pick one up that I may only have for a year or two? Should I spend X dollars for a new bed? My back is killing me after a night on a lousy mattress." Our kids are asking for advice on their benefits packages (401ks, insurance, etc.), they're also asking about their "real world" purchases and let's face it, we have influence!

~Beppie