They're Abroad and there's a Travel Alert...

Hmmmmmm.....

A travel alert was just issued earlier today and as a Mom of a Gen Yer abroad, what would any other sound minded Mom do? 

First, do NOT panic.

2) Go online and read what's there. CNN, NYTimes, MSNBC, Yahoo, FOX....all of them. Google has a running stream of new items posting throughout today, including .

3) Send off an email to your son, letting him know this is "what's up."

4) Text your son on his European cell phone to Skype home when he has a minute.

5) Be sure that when you're communicating with him (or her), don't be alarmist, just give them the heads up, tell them to be aware of their surroundings (as you hope they've been anyway) and to be smart about the choices they make: ie., where they spend time (tourist attractions), how they travel (modes of transportation/public transportation), etc.

Sound good? Now I'm sure to some of you I'm sounding like a schitzo mother, one of those moms, but as I was hyperlinking the above articles and video (cool, huh?) I was smiling about just how wacko I'm coming across. Good thing I've got a sense of humor.  :)

In all seriousness, I'm not worried, not really, I just like to be informed and I like for my kids to be informed. Forewarned is forearmed!

~Beppie  

Update on Monday, October 4, 2010 at 9:29AM by Moms of Gen Y

A good Skype session with our son! He's aware, the buzz around the school and in the local papers is very similar to what we're reading here. So, that's all we can do...

Well, I do think a phone call to the American University here, just to "check in" isn't a bad idea, this call being made by Mom, after all we do have a reputation to maintain.  :)

Update on Tuesday, October 5, 2010 at 3:45PM by Moms of Gen Y

"Checked in" with the US University. they're all over it. Communication back and forth with the Admin. "on the ground," communication via emails with the students....it's all good. I did ask if I was the only Mom who's called? "Oh no, we've had LOTS of calls."

Exactly.

I Love Skype!

I love Skype or Google video! It's the next best thing to being there! I just got off Skype with my son who's studying in Italy. It's great, he gave me a tour of his apartment, I met his roommates, a shot of what he sees from his window, and I get a visual of him all via his laptop. I've done the same with my son in Colorado and my son in California. 

As a Mom, having that visual of your kid makes all the difference. you know, you want to be sure they're eating.  :)

But what's especially nice is getting to see their environment. I had a tour of my son's house off campus: "this is my room, this is the kitchen...." "open the fridge, I want to see what's in there!" He did, I saw, and I'm pleased to say that there were veggies, some cheese, OK, beer, but it wasn't too bad. The tour continued, with visuals of the 5 other housemates, their rooms, the back "yard" (that needs a little TLC)...     :)

My eldest son shared business ideas from screen to screen. Very cool.

Now we just have to get our eldest in the loop. She's missing a lot.

I know this isn't new to some of you, but for those Moms of Gen Y that have not entered into the world of Skype, I highly recommend it! 

~Beppie 

Don't do anything rash!

"I'm thinking about swooping in on my college kid and yanking him out of school!"

"What? Are you kidding? Calm down. Don't do anything you're going to regret."

That's how a handful of conversations have gone with friends over the last couple of years!

Sound crazy?

Not really. Here are some of the various scenarios (all altered a bit, for obvious reasons):

1) He's come home from college for Spring Break and much like Christmas, he's sleeping in until noon, not very helpful, not very communicative, seems totally unmotivated to do...much of anything. Now, come to think of it, as a parent, I haven't seen any grades all year...what the heck is he doing at college? This is a really expensive 'sleep tank,' if that's what he's doing???

2) The conversations with my daughter have become less and less. The texts, on her end, consist of one word responses. When I do talk to her, she's disrespectful, busy telling me that she's an adult, doesn't have to do what I say...

3) My daughter isn't communicating with either parent, virtually at all. Doesn't respond to texts or emails. There've been all kinds of flags. I'm worried, really worried.

4) College seems like a "big drink'em up." As a parent, I don't sense he's going to any classes, all it sounds like he's doing is partying. His Facebook page is full of pictures with red tumblers! Every time I call him, I seem to be waking him up.

5) There's been a death in my child's world. She sounds very down. She seems to find it hard to go to class...to do anything.

OK, the line of first defense is the college. As a parent, call the Dean of Students. A girlfriend of mine was the Dean of Students at a small liberal arts college and she used to say her title was "Dean of "Parents."
These people are there to help! Talk to them! But here's the kicker, you have to be open and honest with this person. Lay your cards out on the table, whatever they are. They can't help if they don't know the real picture. They are going to be able to:
A) Suggest people you and/or your child should talk to. Resources.
B) Check in with your student, either directly or through their RA.
C) Make recommendations on various courses of action. (ie., notifying professors, etc.)
D) Rest your (and your student's) mind at ease.
and most importantly,
E) Help you sort things out from a distance so you can take the appropriate action or not take any action.

Regardless of what parents are told today about letting their kids go, you know your kid best and you need to recognize the flags and then decide whether or not you should intervene. But don't do anything rash. Often times things work themselves out, but sometimes not without some parental intervention.

I have a friend that did drive down to college X, found their son in the rack, accessed the situation, had a conversation with the Dean of Students, and everyone decided that a semester off was best. During that semester he had a job, responsibilities and guess what? He turned it around! It took more than one semester, but he did. Another friend, saw the "flags," flew out to get a visual of her daughter, realized that her daughter's health was in serious jeopardy and intervened with the help of the college.

We've all heard versions of these stories.
Some takeaways I've learned:
1) When your child (Gen Yer) signs up for classes when they first get accepted, be SURE they check the box to have their grades come home to you. Just because you're paying the bill does NOT mean you're privvy to anything! :)
Getting their grades helps you have somewhat of a handle of what's going on.
2) Get the telephone number of their roommate or good buddy or a significant other. You never know when you might need them.
3) Don't hesitate to call the college and speak to the Dean of Students (or someone like that).
As a CU Boulder spokesperson said, when my daughter was a freshman, "you have resources in your hometowns for you. We have resources here for your son or daughter. Please don't make your kid your "couch" and don't you try to be theirs. Call us if you need us to help direct your student to those resources." Good advice.
4) Don't jump in the car or board a plane. Have a conversation with your kid, first, if that gets you nowhere and your flags are still up or hoisted even higher, then call the Dean of Students to get some advice.

Any of this sound familiar?
What are your takeaways?
What's your advice?

~Beppie

Leap of Faith

It takes a leap of faith when you get the phone call and your child says:
"Mom, I'm quitting my job...."
"Mom, I've QUIT my job...."
"Mom, I'm making a move to another company.... it's smaller, more entrepreneurial...."
"Mom, I'm starting my own business..."
"Mom, I've got an idea for a business, so I'm quitting my current job to work on it...."

I'm suggesting that, as the recipient of said calls, you have to have faith in your kid and that hopefully you've helped lay a foundation where they make good, sound decisions... that they're not chucking caution to the wind, that they've thought this through, that they've still got health insurance, COBRA, something! That they've figured out how they're going to pay their rent? Eat? AND that they've ideally NOT quit their job, until you've had a good vetting conversation....

These Gen Y kids are adults, they're making decisions on their own every day... that's what we want, right?! They're becoming more and more independent. Arguably, they are independent! At least if you ask them, they are. Again, that's the goal, right?

Here's a suggestion: IF you suspect that you may have a kid that's thinking in any of the above directions; rather than wait: don't close your eyes, cross your fingers, pray,... whatever,... that this will all go away or that they'll "come to their senses" and keep their job, especially in this economy... don't do it! Don't wait, have a conversation. Bring it up. Get them to talk about it, think out loud with you!... they just may surprise you. They actually may have thought their decision through and they just may have a plan!

This is my thinking, our thinking: they're young, no mortgage to pay, no mouths to feed (other than their own)...when else is a good time? When will they take a chance / a risk, and try something new, especially if it's their own idea?

OK, I have to admit, this took some time to get to this point, "risk-adverse-mother-that-I-am". I know to some, it sounds good, and to some of you, you're probably thinking, "has she lost her mind????" "I would never behave like this as a parent!" "Take control! Tell your kid they can't quit!" And some of you Gen Yers reading this may be thinking: "I WISH I could quit and start a business!" "I have loans to pay from school" "my parents would kill me!" "There's no way!"

First of all, good luck to you parents who try to "take control." Let me know how that goes. Second, though I'm incredibly risk adverse, especially when it comes to my family, if there's a good, well thought out plan (more than a germ of an idea) and you sense your child's conviction, I mean, what the heck? You've picked them up when they've fallen before, who says you won't pick them up again. This time the pick up may have conditions or a timeline or may come a little later... but let's be real...

The process itself of researching, budgeting, figuring out how to start your own business or going with a start up...it's all a very steep learning curve, but incredibly worthwhile! If they get "hungry" enough, either you'll hear from them (or perhaps, see them) or it will force them to move in a different direction or make a different decision or decide to put together Plan B (maybe graduate school?) or network a little more or market a little differently or switch up their selling technique... but is any of this a real negative? Really?

Have a little faith!

~Beppie

Broken Hearts

Broken hearts. Tough. Seems like a good topic since we're surrounded by hearts this time of year.
I'm not talking about your heart, I'm talking about your kid's heart, and you may or may not know that it's been broken. We all go through it, it's part of that "life experience" thing, but just like so many other aspects of being a parent ... you wish your kid didn't have to go through the pain.

Well they do.

Now the questions that arise as a parent (assuming you know) are:
What do you say?
What kind of advice can you give?
Do they WANT your advice?
Is this a time to share one of your broken heart stories?
Do you jump in the car and "drive to the rescue?"
Does there need to be an intervention?
Is that person you, to be doing the intervening? A roommate? A good buddy?

Well there are several different scenarios I've heard about: from jumping on a plane and "flying to the rescue!"...to not doing anything but listening,... to calling a good buddy and asking if they'd check in on the broken hearted,... to ignoring the situation and pretending it's not happening to your kid (now that's a good parent)...

I think as their Mom (or Dad) you need to gage your own child...listen for those various flags or signals...as a girlfriend shared with me, "I was super concerned about the spiral downward, he sounded so bummed out, I couldn't just sit back and watch and wait, I had to get a visual, I didn't want him to do anything drastic!" FYI: She and Dad went to the big city, got a visual, helped their son move (now that's a whole new entry, living together!) did some major cheerleading, told their tales, suggested strategies that their son might use to keep moving forward, suggested activities to get involved with after work, exercising, etc. And now it's all good.

As for other scenarios, it may be more of a bruised ego than an actual broken heart, but I must confess, sometimes it's really hard to tell the difference at the time.

I know some of you are thinking to yourself, butt out, tell your kid "you're sorry it didn't work out" and that's it. Move on! Maybe so.

What do you think?

My poor kids have heard my tales of whoa. I'm not sure that's a good or bad thing, but it seemed like the right thing to do at the time?!? Why let my kids think that I have no idea how they may or may not be feeling, right? Emapthy's a good thing.

The other thing you may be thinking, is tell your kid "to get back on the horse," (sorry) "to get back out there..."
or
"no groveling!"
"no begging to be taken back!"
or
"this too shall pass"
This is always a fave....NOT!
"there are other fish in the sea!"

Mom-isms...love those! :)

In my experience, broken hearts mend and you learn from them! Hopefully.

~Beppie