We've written a book / manual / handbook!

From senior year of high school ‘til they say “I do!”  "Once A Mom, Always A Mom, Parenting 17-30 year olds?!? What We Wish We'd Known!"

Empty nester? Not exactly.  

If you’ve seen the book, “What to expect when you’re expecting”, fast forward to senior year of high school, graduation, college, life after college…what can you expect as a parent of these kids?  If you think of the book, “Letting Go”, really?  Who do you think you’re kidding?  Not with our parenting styles. Not how we Baby Boomers have been parenting all of these years.  

Jean and I have written a book about this ongoing parenting. Once your kids have gone off to college, do you think the questions stop coming or your consultation is no longer requested? On the contrary. These Gen Y-ers have numerous things they want to run by you or ask for your advice on and where do YOU as the parent of this age group go for answers or questions or consultation? You don't see those same "sideline" parents anymore, so having a resource or a place to go or a reference to turn to...that could be invaluable!

This "book" is the: 

“wish I would have known thats!” 

“Would have been nice to have had a heads up about that!” 

“Why didn’t anybody tell me that was coming? Are you kidding me!?”

If you thought your days of parenting were over, you’re sorely mistaken.  Hang on, hold on, the ride's just picked up momentum.  

When you're a parent of a school aged kid (K-12) there are so many opportunities to gather information about your child: from their teachers, from their friends, from the parents of their friends: the stuff they're doing, the things they should be doing, the timing of applications, of interviewing for private schools, for college, looking for sports' camps or jobs over the summer...the network is incredible and incredibly valuable! You have other parents to share with. You're talking to them on the "sidelines" as you're watching your kids. There's very little like it. Where else is there such a great "laboratory" for this raising-a-child-thing? The ages are similar, often you're talking about the same gender, you're living in the same community, familiar with the resources, the demographics... it's great! 

We see more and more opportunities online with "Mommy bloggers" or online communities. All good, but not the same as the "sidelines" and us Baby Boomers aren’t as likely to do the blog-thing.  Oh sure, we Google stuff and then leap around from website to website, but our generation tends to turn to the good old fashioned book. Well, we are now in the 21st century, and our good old fashioned book is digital! It's an eBook. So if you haven't already, download the Kindle App from iTunes for free. You can download it on your PC or Mac, your iPad, iPhone, Android, Blackberry, Windows Phone 7... (we'll soon be available on Nook). Why did we choose to go digital? Because as a resource we've set the book up with hyperlinks throughout. You're busy, we get that. So if you read something that resonates and you want to take care of whatever it may be instantly, we've tried to connect you to resources that can help you.  We’ve been conditioned through the college application process to turn to reference books/guides and now that they’ve moved onto that next phase, there’s no parenting manual out there.  Nothing to alert you to potential issues or challenges. Until now!

What's wonderful about this website is that you can chime in and we hope you do! We would love to get your thoughts, your ideas, and your life's experiences. We certainly don't claim to be experts by any stretch of the imagination, we just know that we learn SO much from each other and we want to continue to share and learn as our kids grow older. 

As our title implies, there's a sequel or two or three in this series! Enjoy! We sure did as we were writing.

Once a Mom, always a Mom!

~Beppie 

We're invited! A "pot luck" vacation!

The second year in a row!

There's a timeframe when we parents are either asked or we suggest that our kids invite a friend along when we go somewhere. Quite frankly, it can make life easier if your child has a friend with them, right? Then there's a time when your kid, mostly the college age crowd, wants to take vacation with their friends and NO parents, think Spring Break or the backpacking sojourn through Europe after graduation.... Well, when our Gen Yer takes her valuable vacation time and actually invites us to join her and her friends?!.....bonus! 

And this isn't with expectations of providing anything other than company. OK, maybe pitch-in-help in the kitchen, but after last year's experience, not much. It's great to be included!

These kids actually love the togetherness of preparing meals as a group, cleaning up as a group, playing games as a group....corn hole, beirut (beer pong), croquet, bocce ball...just spending time together. Love the "everybody pitch in and help mode." It's a great way to vacation. Everyone has fun! 

These Gen Yers also bring food, beverages, sports equipment..they've got this nailed. There are emails with lists generated as to who's bringing what, carpooling, time of departure and it's wayyyy in advance...it's very organized, very impressive. It's a "pot luck" vacation!

Where did they learn this stuff?   :)

Imitation is the greatest form of flattery, so maybe next "family" vacation, I'll take a page from my 20something's book!

~Beppie  

Saying Thank You

Summertime and our kids are coming and going, often with friends along to enjoy our summer home, beaches, boats and sunshine. We love having everyone here, especially the long conversations around the table, some serious, others very silly. We talk about the world, the World Cup, politics, jobs, who knows how to row a boat and who doesn't, college, graduate school, and who is going to clean the kitchen. 

All of these GenYers are full of life, ideas and energy. Sometimes a quieter conversation with one or two people will focus on job aspirations, suggestions of people to connect with and requests to please put them in touch with so and so. When we do make a contact and send an introduction on someone's behalf we, like other Baby Boomers have expectations. Like wise when we welcome people into our home for a dinner or a weekend there are expectations. Following through on introductions and sending thank you's for hospitality are expected. 

In fairness to the GenYers there may sometimes be confusion or awkwardness about how to thank someone who is older and perhaps your friend's parent. Saying thank you will never be the wrong choice, saying nothing is far riskier. 

Consider sending this along to your son or daughter, it is a simple sentiment from a recent ad for Tiffany & Co.

"A Good Guest

Arrives slightly late. And leaves on time.

A good guest brings energy and charm and a small present.

All good guests write thank you notes."

Remind them of the thank you notes you had them write to their grandparents for their birthday gifts. Whether with email or paper those rules still apply. Someone does something nice for you, let them know you appreciate it.

~Jean 

'Tis the holiday season!

Merry, merry and happy, happy!
They're home or they're coming home! I love this time of year, but I won't lie, it's an adjustment for everybody! If you haven't had a houseful this past semester then you know what I'm talking about. Just when you had things where you liked them, the gas gauge on your vehicle where you remember leaving it, the food in the fridge that you knew would be there to make dinner...it all changes...but there's more to it than that.

Think back to when you were in their shoes. They have been living on their own, making their own decisions and choices about things. They've been deciding when to come home at night, (no curfews at college), when to eat and sleep, how long to sleep, maybe they've been taking naps during the course of the day. What they eat, when they study, when and how much they exercise. You have not been a factor in the structure of their day. Where we parents run into trouble is if we instantly regress and go back to the time when we did structure their days. Not a good idea. There will be conflicts a-go-go.

I know I blogged about a related timeframe when they come home for the summer (blog: Summer They're Pushing the envelope), but somehow the holiday timeframe is different. Maybe because it's a compressed period, maybe because there's more emotion associated with the holidays, maybe it's because there's a bit of a competition for your kid's time: their friends want to see and spend time with them and so do you and their siblings. It's tough to be so popular! :)

They are usually completely exhausted when they first come home. They've been burning the midnight oil, cramming a semester's worth of material into their brains, probably not eating well and most likely they're sick with a cold or worse. What I've learned through my kids, is let them sleep. Everyone's happier if your kid is rested. Some good home-cooked meals tends to be appreciated and if you're really nice, you've scheduled those doctor and dental visits for a little later in their vacation. I have that image of the Wizard of Oz when the Scarecrow, Tinman, Cowardly Lion and Dorothy all get fixed up for their visit to the Wizard, that's what it must feel like to our kids when they are home.

A friend forwarded me a good email that George Washington University's Director of Parent Services sent out. (Interesting job title, don't you think? What a reputation we parents have!) Basically he said, that it's an adjustment for everyone, a transition for everyone and there needs to be communication about expectations from both parties. Hear! Hear! I think that's the key, communicate! Let your kids know what are MFO's (mandatory family obligations) and what aren't, what your expectations are about when they come home: how late friends can stay at night, who's doing their laundry, what meals you expect them at, use of the car....believe me, when you have this conversation they'll chime in their expectations and there may have to be some compromises. Depending on who you talk to in our household, I think my kids would feel differently about who's compromised most. But that's not the point, having everyone under the same roof, co habitating and enjoying each other's company, that's the goal!

~Beppie

$$$ College kids and Money! $$$

It's not to late to have a conversation about money with your college kid! It's one of those things that seems to slip through the cracks and before you know it, either you're A) getting a phone call from Johnny saying he's out of dough B) you go online to transfer their allowance and you realize their account is overdrawn (yikes!) and you hit the roof, C) your kid says to you that they can't buy their books for the semester because they don't have any money
("I'm just hearing about this now? What have you been doing for the last three weeks?")...you get the picture.

So before you experience some of those scenarios, take my advice: Have a conversation.

This conversation varies from household to household, but the common thread is:
Spell out your expectations! If you agree to an allowance, how often will they receive it, every month, every semester. The beginning of the month, the 15th, the end. What is that supposed to cover, exactly what are incidentals anyway? Shaving cream and toothpaste? Pizza and a movie? A pair of jeans? Whose money pays for what? Ideally they've got some money of their own from their summer job, or Aunt Harriet or something and that may be the fund they dip into to support their concert tickets or the train ticket to visit a buddy at college in the city, whatever. Maybe you expect them to pay for their own books? Believe me, this is not figured out through osmosis. And your idea of what their allowance covers compared to theirs can vary a great deal too. For example, I've always told my kids that we don't pay for beer, they do. (Of course they have to be 21!) That Wii their desperate to have for "down time"....sorry. But shampoo and toothpaste, yep. Vitamins, covered. We'll even cover that Broadway ticket for that freshman field trip. There really needs to be some clarity around whose money this really is. Is it their money, after all it's their allowance or is it your money, because you've made the deposit? It's OK to say that you'll be happy to discuss this over the school year/years. Adjustments to what you originally agreed to may need to be made. You might even get a phone call from your son saying, "Mom, I really don't need the amount of allowance you give me. I know things are tight, please ratchet it back. I'm able to cover my expenses with X instead of Y." Really? Really.

And maybe your child has to get a job on campus to cover some of these expenses. There seem to be all kinds of jobs for students on campus, some are a one shot deal, like being part of a research study for a Sleep and Dreams professor and sleeping in a lab for a night (really) or maybe it's being a tour guide, or working in the "stacks' checking student id's, or being a lifeguard at the school's pool....but again discuss your expectations, should this be part time, and just how "part" and what happens if their grades start to suffer? Communicate!

When you look at the meal plan that's been purchased and the "university dollars" that are on their student card, side note: as each of our kids have gone through the different colleges those univ. dollars seem to cover more and more. Thank God the roll of quarters for the washing machine and dryer seem to be a thing of the past in more and more colleges. Boxers just may get washed! Maybe their sheets too, at least once. If all they have to do is "swipe" the card, how tough can this be? At any rate, a lot of their basic needs are billed by the college, but certainly not all, and depending on the meal plan that your student has chosen, they may not be fed on the weekends, so "incidentals" may include groceries or full meals out. Who knows? What I do know is that it sure adds up and as in any relationship, money is a funky conversation to have.

Believe me, this is a good way to help them start to really think about budgeting and how expensive things are and prioritizing.

Another lesson they learn along the way is who pays for what amongst their friends? Hopefully it just happens once when your son agrees to pay for the burgers, hot dogs, chips, charcoal, etc. for a tailgate, thinking that he'll be paid back by all of his frat brothers and guess what? Not. That can be an expensive lesson, not to mention the ill will that he feels because his "brothers" are slugs. If your kid has a car on campus and you've given her your gas card, watch out, she'll be doing all the driving for sure, but if you tell her that she's paying for her own gas, very quickly she figures out that either she doesn't volunteer to drive or she gets her riders to pitch in for gas.

I knew upfront that I was never going to be able to go home for Thanksgiving. Not when my family lived in CT and I was going to school in CA and Thanksgiving break was 4 days. It didn't really "hit me" until there was this mass exodus from campus that first Wednesday afternoon. Geeze, that was brutal! I made a very tearful call back east begging my mother to let me come home. Can you imagine receiving that call? Many years later she confessed to me that that was one of her toughest moments as a parent, having to calmly say to me that "I knew upfront, that I'd be home in just a few weeks and to wipe my tears and certainly there would be an invitation coming my way from a local family." Well, there was! Thank goodness, but I think my kids would tell you that I sometimes spell it out a little too clearly and a little too much in advance....

Everybody handles this a little differently and it's even handled differently within the same family. You know your kid best, and you know just how much dot connecting you need to do when having this conversation. You also know what you can and can't afford, so communicate with your son or daughter.

~Beppie